LOVE IS MY FAVORITE MISTAKE

How do you keep a heart from breaking?
What can you really do?
How can I possibly stop myself
from falling in love with you?

I don't want to cut all ties
that would make the pain so much worse
why does this thing called love
feel like the worlds greatest curse?

 

It hurts me more than words can say
but I can't get enough
I think I'm more than a little addicted
and I guess that's just too tough.

 

I'm trying a little too hard
just to get along and get by
and I'm crying a little too much
while ending everything with a sigh.

because constantly thinking of you
makes me all the more depressed
because of all of the love that I hold
for you must be suppressed.

and I'm ready to give up and quit
but I think that I will take
my chances with this thing called love
my favorite mistake.

Hope i don't repeat this mistake again - sahiliiti@n

FLUCTUATING DREAMS

A year and a half has passed since I have cleared the most reputated exam of India. Now after seeing much, though not complete of this world things have changed a lot and that change is not automatic and not something that I am loving. I am used to it or in better words addicted to these like the bad habits. Or are these really bad habits?? Things were different when I was in my home with my family. I can’t even say that not being with my family has changed me a lot as I didn’t even change slightly in a complete year away from them in kota where I had worst time of my life. There in Kota was only one lifeline, my dreams about clearing jee which kept me unchanged since so long. I never even wondered about my unchanged nature, physically, socially and mentally before but nowadays I am astonished or rather say puzzled about my unbelievable “no change” there and I am founding it impossible somehow. Maybe it is because nowadays things are very different, scary and easy “to change” or because I have changed in the worst possible way.

I know it is very hard for you to think about a single thing I am talking about. But I am restrained. Restrained to write everything here, especially personal and so I can’t go straight. My dreams till 2008 were special and I always had true optimistic feelings towards them and always had proved myself. Maybe things were easy then. Standing among the best brains of India isn’t that easy and the best thing was my dreams never fluctuated. I never had second thought about my dreams.

But now, when I look at my condition, I found myself pathetic and alone. Now I am afraid of dreaming. I never wanted to be like this but still I am loving it. I am loving this change except something within me that is surprised by this change and that something is not only something to me. It has become everything. Confused?? Me too and that’s mah problem. Now i have multiple contradictory dreams which can’t be fulfilled hitherto m given many lives in my single human life. Whenever my solid mechanics proff taught me structural engineer or take building construction proff, teaching me estimation showing different different models with great enthusiasm, I dreamt myself in some big city of US as a head of some big building project. I felt so proud of becoming a civil engineer in future and that too from IITR. But the moment any programming book caught my sight, it makes me recall my dream of becoming a great programmer and hacker, working in Microsoft or Google. I have a strong desire to clear cat and study in IIMs. But at the same time I can’t even deny my dream to have my MS degree from some reputed foreign university after scoring high in GRE. But this is not the limit of my thoughts. I even sometimes think of going for IAS examination. Infact that is the most respectful field that an IITian can go for. In my every dream I find myself still every dream has a flaw and this stops me every time I think of it and the only flaw in any dream is other dream being superior that it only in some way. I wanna grab all. I wanna do the impossible. Truly I have changed a lot. I can’t even fix my dream. Then how they can possibly be true ever. Or maybe I am finding a reason not to choose any as I am fed up of my dreams or maybe I have started doubting on myself. And sometime I do feel that this is true. Why I have started feeling so weak and alone here? All I am becoming is someone which I never wanted to be, someone I never dreamt of. Life in 3^rd semester has brought in me the drastic changes I never expected of. Why life always play such cheap games with me?? All I can do now is pray to god to give me the power of facing these challenges in my life, no matter how difficult these challenges are to me, I must be strong enough to walk on this path, whatever comes in my way, I must be confident of my principles and must not let my morale down.

TREKKING @ VALLEY OF FLOWERS

On 27 September at 3 am I left my hostel for the trekking. I was a part of the trek of 9 students to the valley of flowers, considered as one of the place which you called heaven on earth. We all were very excited, especially the first yearite who was going on such a trek for the first time. Our group was total of 9, three 3^rd yearites, five 2^nd yearites and one facchha.

27 September- the made journey

Well it was the day we spent our day in bus. Starting from the roorkee at 3:30 am, we reached rishikesh in 1.5 hr and then from there, we caught the bus to govind ghat and that was a long journey of about 12 hrs. In the first couple of hrs I was sleeping in the bus when I was awakened by the seniors for some breakfast and then only I saw that we have entered the green lash area of uttarakhand. After having my breakfast the real thing begins which you may called my natural romance. After that my journey was completely submerged in nature, amidst the beautiful hills, the narrow uneven wet roads which at some places allow only one vehicle at a time and in the danger of falling of bus at any moment. Afterall journey in such areas is risky and it could only be made in day and all passes are called off after 4 p.m. Many a times our bus jumped on hard rocky roads, sometimes passes through some water fill areas and sometimes tilted to the extent that I actually screamed for help and then the next moment laughing at my own move.

As we were going up and up, it was like moving towards the sky. At one point I saw the clouds very near to me and the very next moment I find myself among the clouds, completely surrounded by mist and fog and yet still I could see clouds above me. I was like completely absorbed by the darkest of clouds and yet screaming for more like a 2 yr old child who can never be satisfied by toys. I could even find myself completely melt in the warm arms of mother nature, hugging me by its soft soft hands and kissing softly on my forehead. It was like no desire left to return to that fake world I belonged to. I just wanted to hide myself here forever. No pains, no agonies and no apologies. It was just “you and me” thing. Muuuahhhhzzz..!!!

Our journey ended at about 5 p.m after a great time in the arms of nature and yet in it. If you are not familiar let me tell you that there, in govind ghat is a famous gurudwara. We decided to stay there for a night in a room. We went inside the gurudwara, where aarti took place and took god’s blessing though I hardly believe in god. But I was feeling taking blessing from the mother nature and the kind people I have ever seen in that gurudwara. We ate our dinner in the “langar” in gurudwara itself. Due to tiredness I actually slept at 8 only as the next day we have to leave for trekking at 4 a.m.

28 September-the toughest day of trek

Now it was happening. We left gurudwara at 4:30 in the morning. It was going to be 13 km trek to gaangria. None of us bathe as the temp there was less than 0 and the water could actually freeze us out of our assess. Early at that time it was dark and only one of us had torch. So one torch and nine climbers (as I wanted to call all of us... rest our bags and state will tell you). I took the path recklessly in the starting but within first 15 minutes the torn up part had come and I realised after strucked by up-down path itself in the dark that I have to take it seriously. After one hour it was dawn which made our path less difficult. We all were moving enjoying the beauty of nature stopping at some points, taking some energy sources we brought like biscuits, chocolates and glucon-D. At such places you will find some unusual silence. Wind was the most noisy thing there followed by the sound of water, full of energy, splashing and thrilling itself against the hard rocks tearing apart the toughest of rocks and making its way. It seemed like teaching something to me, inspiring and motivating me. The path was very uneasy for us, at some places slope tending to 45 degrees and the path was never like a road. It was completely uneven and rocky as if walking on the rocks. We ate nothing except some snacks till 10 km. There we found a kind of open restaurant. Actually I found it like beach though there was no sand there. But there was a platform kinda thing above the flowing water. I must say damn sexy..!!! :P We had our lunch there which was more of a kind of supper and none of us could digest it to our stomach. The last three kms were the hardest I had ever travelled in my life. Those were like moving in some construction area or some broken stairways of stone or wat else. We were not even able to put our palms straight there and to travel those 3 kms it actually took us 2 hrs. Atlast we reached gaangria at about 2 pm and booked a room in some hotel. Then seniors suddenly changed their mind and told us that we have time so we should also go to hemkund which is 6 kms more from here. So all of us placed our bags in the room and decided to go there. Lemme tell you that those 6 kms to hemkund was not a easy job. The actual height of it from here was 1 km. So you can estimate the slope of the track. Further, a sardarji told us that it’s quite late to go there as last entry there is around 3 and you cnt manage to reach there in a hour and after 4 its dangerous to travel those roads because of the stormy weather and wild bears and monkeys. But still we didn’t change our minds. But there was a clear difference in our speeds as a result of which we split into two groups one consisting of physically strong members (5) and other 4 physically weak (including me). So those 5 were climbing very fast and we were left behind moving or better say trying to move our legs. After travelling 1.5 kms two of us quit and decided to return from here only as they knew its impossible for them to travel that distance. I and other fellow still continued on our way. After travelling another half km we felt thirsty but we had only empty bottles with us and there was no shop on the way. That was the time when we realised its better for both of us to back off and we returned from there to our room. Till I reached my room it was 4 and after that what I remember was that I was awakened for dinner and then in the morning for moving. Rest of the time I was sleeping, everything morbid and I was unconscious.

29 September-the journey to valley of flowers

On 29 September we left our rooms at 6:30 in the morning for valley of flowers which is 3 kms from gaangria. It was less tough and more interesting journey, as I expected. At some places the road was as narrow as a man’s hand. At other place, there was no path, we actually had to jump some over the stones. Though the valley had no flowers because of the odd season but still it was appreciable. We roamed in the valley, travelled a distance of about 7 kms, saw many things including a grave of a women who died there when she was doing research on this valley. We sat near the water stream, appreciated the mountains and wat not. Then we moved back to gaangria where we had lunch. I had to repair my shoes so in the process me and pawan lost contact with other group members. Thinking that they had already left for govind ghat we continued and we actually found them in a dhaba on the way. After having our lunch there I and pawan continued the down journey of 13 kms. We stopped at many places, appreciated the beauty of nature, jumped out of the track to enjoy the company of waterfalls and water flowing in the streams. When we were 6 kms away from govind ghat we met a saint in the way. Actually me and pawan were talking about ego (actually we were talking about ego in girls :P) and on listening to that that saint interrupted us and then three of us had interactive conversation. We got the company..!! He told us that he is a doctor and he also works in Ramakrishna association. He was a medical student who later in his life chose this as his path. He told us about many things giving many examples and gave us lectures on life and death. It was a two way conversation, actually three way, three of us interrupting the other. Whenever he told us about god, I interrupted and asked whether it really exists and did Ramayana and Mahabharata actually happened?? Those 6 kms were the shortest and we had endless conversation, sometimes boring and sometimes enthuastic. When we split he gave his phone no. and email id too, though I never cared to contact. After reaching govind ghat we spend the night in the same gurudwara.

30 September- to badrinath

On 30^th September at 5 am we left and we were on our way to badrinath. One good thing about badrinath is that you don’t have to walk upto there. A bus or taxi will escort you exactly at the place you want. after one hour we were in the badrinath. We bathe there in hot water stream and visited the temple, had our lunch in a restaurant and enjoyed the place. We actually spent our most of the time standing idle looking at natural beauty. Then we left for mana village which is just 3 kms from badrinath and it took us hardly 10 mins to reach there through taxi. It was a damn admiring place. I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw a bridge naturally made from fallen rock. Below it was a waterfall and sunrays falling on it producing a rainbow. We also visited temple in a cave and had tea in the last tea shop. In the evening we stayed in a room in badrinath itself. We had then best supper of the journey in a restaurant and we went to sleep in the evening itself. I was not feeling sleepy as it was my last night here and from the very next day I had to return to roorkee and I will be lost again in my life. I wake up and roamed in the streets for a hour, not caring for the cold. At about 10 pm I went to bed.

31 September- way back to roorkee

We left at about 5 in the morning and got in a bus to haridwar. We again met the same natural scenes on our way back but this time they were screaming and asking us to return here some day, someday when you fail to find yourself, someday when you want to know yourself or someday when you will be sick of your life. Maybe this place could give you what you want. The 12 hour bus journey was tiring. Atlast we reached haridwara and from there to roorkee in the evening at about 7. This was the end of the trip but not the end of the memories which will always float in my mind and will continue to be mine forever.

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~~I'L NEVER LET YOUR MEMORIES DIE~~

I never thought that I will ever write again

But I m continuously betrayed by this pain

I fly in the sky, when I feel u were mine

As if lost in your dreams after drinking a bottle of wine

But now each and every second spent with you reminds

That u are very loving, caring and kind

I miss the time you were with me

To my every problem, you were my key

I am trying hard to forget those days

Have tried hundred’s of ways

I wonder sometimes y everything has to change

What about your promises to me

But what about my feelings for u

Will they ever be gone with you?

I just want one thing which I hope you will give

In some dark corner of your heart, plz let me live

....it’s not that bad.. living in someone’s memory... and hoping she will remember you in some darkest moments of her life... at least I have hope.

   -->> self composed

IITR HOSPITAL SUCKS

I wake up at around 7 yesterday by some pain on my left side of body from stomach to back. I was feeling a little bit uncomfortable but neglecting it and carried my normal jobs. But at 8 it became unbearable. It seems that something inside my body wants to turn my back apart.. it becomes severe and than I decided to go to resi-warden and ask him to call the ambulance. He immediately called the insti hospital to send a ambulance but no sign of ambulance arrived till 15 minutes. Then I decided to visit hospital by myself and fortunately resi-warden asked a man here to usher me to the hospital.

“emergency case bhayiya” I speak with all the power I had.

“ gimme I-card or medical booklet” he replied

“ fuck the booklet... its emergency case(cant u see it??) I am having severe pain and u talking of booklet... I will show u all later.. now enrol me a doctor.. will u?? I said

“no no.. we cant enrol anyone unless you have any proof that you belongs to here.. sorry I cant do without any identification of urs..” and he asked me to talk to CMO in this regard.

“you are getting nuts man” I snapped. “go to hell... I will be fine myself.. don’t worry” and I paced back to my hostel and took a pain killer.

At this time the ambulance arrived (remember, I have called ambulance an hour before?). But I was so irritated by this hospital by now that I called off it and denied to go there. Later in the evening I was called by the chief warden and asked about the mess I created in the morning.

Later that evening I started feeling that pain again in my back to stomach... looked like some drastic force inside me was trying to crumble all my body. Before the pain could overtake me, I, with one of my friend went to the hospital. At that time hospital was closed so I told a attendant my problem and asked about the doctor. My almighty god!! He told me there’s no doctor at these times. He then nudged me that this pain can be due to some stone in the kidney. But he was not sure so he gave me a pain killer with a injection and asked me to come tomorrow morning to contact a doctor.

Next day...

I went to the hospi early in the morning. A doctor checked me and gave me some medicines and advised an x-ray of my left kidney.

“Sir, uumm... actually... stone is best detected in ultrasound.. so I think instead of x-ray ...”

He cut me in between “no..no... I am the doctor, not you.. so I would better know “

“ok.. ok..” I shrugged though I knw there’s no ultrasound machine here in this hospital and they had to refer me to an external hospital. And that’s the reason doctor didn’t advised me for ultrasound.

So I was done with my x-ray the next day and got the report the same evening. But the same doctor was not available then. So I was scheduled on Tuesday morning. Another lady doc read the x-ray and told me that there’s nothing in this. Everything seems fine.

So now my condition is that I still don’t know what exactly my problem is and am still advised to take those pills which that doctor gave me( just because he thought that I have stone without any proof)

Oh my fucking god...!! help me..!!

INTERVIEWING THE JUNIORS

A year seems as if it was yesterday.

It seems as if it was yesterday, when I was attending the introtalks about various sections of iitr and there was a eerie feeling about it’s toughest part, taking of interview by the seniors. A drain of fear ran across us, as if we are going to face some really iron-stud man, perhaps because many of us were facing interview for the first time and many of us were fed and grown up with its fear. Well I correctly remember how dirty I was feeling after every deadly encounter with a senior and how much lately I had repented that if I had not been nervous I could have done better...!!

Today is 7th and I just came after interviewing few juniors for some project. Well it was a complete wonderful experience, sitting at the seniors’ hot seat and taking interviews of the juniors. Fear and hesitation on their faces reminds me of my initial days in iitr.

Me: name??
He: (stammered).... told his name.
Me: Why you wanna do this project??
He: aaa.. uu....hhmmm... aise hi..!!
Me: what?? Do you have any idea of what this project is all about??
He: well... yaaa.... this is related to the development in villagers condition.. something like dat??
Me: so what you will do in this project??
He: hmm.. vo actually I didn’t knew anything about this project..
Me: ohk.ohk.. so tell me what will you do to help villagers??
He: hmm.. we will give them our old clothes, food etc.etc.
Me: what?? So you are thinking we are going in some beggar’s village just to give them something like this.. so you gonna feed them like the beggars.... you know what? That is a kind of village where 4-5 people are having computers.... they are not poor in all these necessary need... they just need education, and some guidance... so we are working to help by instructing them.
He: ok.... ok... I didn’t mean this.... hmmm....aaa.... yaaa.. o.ok...!!
Me: ok.. I am done... will inform you in case...

Next student??

He: good even....evening sir!
Me: yaa... Name??
He: (tells)
I again asked much similar questions to him... everytime he reply... replied in Haryanvi.... infct pure Haryanvi... like yu karenge.... kukar javenge... nu hove sai... blah.. blah..!!
Me: where you from??
He: bahadurgarh, hh...Haryana..!!
I winked the senior beside me.... and told him.. I knw he must be from Haryana... his language simply depicts..

Next student??
Many came and went.... left wid a sardarji.... who got a smiling innocent honest face.. his charm cheers me... lol..!!!
I asked him same fucking questions and I got some expected honest answers...(r u the one we needed??) Banda mast tha..!! he told us many things about himself and told us that he can speak Haryanvi and Punjabi beside hindi and English.

Next student??

STRUCKED IN THE MIDDLE OF PRACTICAL

It gives me immense pleasure to write this post, not because it is special or wat, but of course, it is the time which makes it a little bit special. Actually I had no intension of writing this, here, and at this hour of time. But I have nothing to do, and I am captured at a very strange and funny place in IITR, where I may not be able to escape before 6. It is 4:30 now and I have full hour and a half to pass sitting in front of a big dumbass large compu. Ohh. I forgot to tell where I am and what makes me to write this and what’s special the time is. Actually I am in middle of my auto-CAD practical in computer center. Well for those, who think that IITians undergo serious training during their pleasure time in IIT, it must be enough inkling that what we really do during class timings and during rest of the hours (though we hardly find them); you must have found my rest of the posts sufficient enough.

Well it is not that only I am captured by these so-called professors in the lab, all of my batch are here, not doing their job, of course. Most of them are busy in chatting, most probably in search of their life partners [: P]. It is not that we have no work to do in these labs, but we are given the work of a second class poor chap, learning ms-paint colouring the objects with brush and screaming with a joy as soon as he saw the multicolour objects, most of them dislocated. Can you believe we are given to make a design of a hut on ms-paint. In the starting I called professor to check the drawing on paint, but I think these Profs consider their job in making sit students for 2 hr practical rather than training them. He told me to improve the quality of drawing, which of course, I am not insane enough to do it. Of course none of us are interested in doing that.. and I think it’s right. I am done with checking my mails and my orkut account in initial half hour and so I decided blogging. Anyways it is the best time pass I have ever thought, next to chatting and reading novels, of course.

It is hardly 4:50 now but I think I am done because I have hardly anything to say except to make you feel the hard times I am spending in IITR, dissolved completely in useless pracs and classes and widout a grlfrnd, of course…!! But I can still hope for one…haha…!!