My X = a + r + S

Often the world accuses me of being very immature towards my feelings towards girls and my so called well wishers, though very rare in number, laughs at me, throwing rebukes and sarcastic comments about my getting senti for a girl from week after week, months after month and year after year.

Yesterday, after screwing all my exams, when I was quietly lying in my bed after a supper, I happened to look upon all my relationships, and came to the conclusion that setting aside all the daily crushes, weekly infatuations and monthly false feelings of falling in love with “n” number of gals, I had been in a relationship with 3 girls. Here is the summary of all my three relationships and my honest and pragmatic views about them.

Just got into prestigious IITs, entered college for the first time and being friendly with girls for the first time in my life, all these things dissolved me in an unfair world of love. And that’s how and when it all started.

The girl “a”

The first love, the ecstasy, lot of hopes and fantasies in the air.  Ahh!! Yeah, in the starting the moment I talked to her I feel rejoiced and satisfied. Whole day I spent thinking about her and the day passes with the blink of an eye with all the sweet messages that we shared, even when our lectures were going on. I became completely absorbed in her for quite a few days before the break up happened.

It has been a couple of years since the relationship has fallen behind and lost somewhere in the book of my life. I was a jackass to have proposed her knowing she was already committed, but she was more stupid to have said a yes after she broke up with him. Well the relationship doesn’t last long and I don’t know why but she broke up, and then suddenly everything stopped and the kingdom of my love started falling. No chatting, no phone calls. But there were many advantages of this relationship to me. She taught me the initials of love. She taught me everything life a mom teaches to their new born babies. She broke the virginity of my soul and emotions and since then everything came out of my shyness.

We stopped talking after the break up but 14 months later we again become friends, just on net. There are many interesting things about A, which I wanna share with you all, but unfortunately can’t disclose here on my post.

The girl “r”

Moving on after my first break up in my life wasn’t easy. Though now I laugh at my relation with “a” knowing how stupid and childish it was. That was the point when I found r to comfort my life with emotions. Yet it was nothing but a compromise to me for recovering, only that I didn’t know this at that time. This relationship has faded in my history pages just like my feelings for her faded slowly with time and I realized that I couldn’t be in this relation anymore. But I could only blame myself since I was the desperate who started all the frontline and I was the stupid who decided to quit. I don’t think about her much, but I just hope she’s fine.

The girl “S”

Till now neither of the two girls had given me the 100% feeling of loving and being loved backed equally and that was the reason I lost faith in this word and had fully decided never to enter again this kind of shit. At that point S came into my life. Yes S means sweet. S means sober. S means simple. S means social. And yes S means she…..

Initially we became very good friends and then numerous daily phone calls and long hourly chatting with a lot of flirting. Slowly we came so close to each other that we both knew that we are in love, though I don’t remember when, how and why this friendship converted into love. But it was a different feeling from my past 2 relations, for sure. I had carved and enjoyed each and every moment of life of our future with her. I laughed with her and I cried with her. The extent to which she cared for me is impossible to describe in words. We have shared each and every moment of our life. With her I felt so complete and associated with her are some of the finest memories of my life which can never be faded. The love grew so intense that we couldn’t be away from each other for long. Our love converted into possessiveness which eventually became the reason of our breakup. The break up was very hard from both the sides and it took me ages to move on. The mysterious break raised a thousand questions as what actually happened. The experience was a lot tragic but there are its positive impacts too. She taught me the real meaning of love and how to love a girl with full passion and give her my 100%. She completely transformed me and changed my life and my perspectives towards love. Not often, but I still recollect the infinite good memories associated with her which leaves a smile on my face.

Well, truly speaking, till date she’s the only girl in my life whom I loved truly and sincerely. I was really serious and crazy about her. Till today, I have never found a girl like S who can love me more than herself. If given a chance, I would love to have S back, given she’s same as she was.

Still today, I try to figure out often, thinking on the consequences and repercussions, the course of life that followed me after a, r and S.

The same routine again…

daily crushes,

weekly romance,

and semesterly infatuations…..

……and they all fall in an ever-lasting continuum.

.... AND I QUIT

Kabhi kisi k liye aanshu mat bahana,

Kyuki vo tumhare aanshu k kaabil nhi hoga;

Aur jo unke kaabil hoga,

Vo tumhe kabhi rone nahi dega.


There are some times in your life, when you feel like quitting. I am not writing this post without any reason but to tell you that this week was one of such worst time when I was hurt badly by few people in my life who left me feeling betrayed and left me their everlasting footprints on me. I am left wondering with a strange feeling that how people can change so easily. I have shed much of my tears in this week than I ever had in my life. After so many years, I cried freely and openly in my locked room thinking about them. My mind has stopped working and heart has been hurt badly and I have become insomniac. I am chastised for my mistakes which I did unknowingly and unintentionally. It has increased my mistrust towards people and attitude towards life and only helped me become more of a misanthrope, and left me with a feeling that I do hate myself, though sometimes I am unable to accept it. Nothing is going fine and every misunderstanding with people is just taking its worst sharp corner.


I feel like quitting. I feel like crying more and more. I feel like leaving this world. I feel like killing someone. I feel like hugging someone. I feel like... oh! To hell with what I feel. My feelings are surely a submissive slut and my tears are its most prized customer. So fuck you all who have hurt me.


I need time. I need you. I wish to go to past and make things right. I wish I get another chance to do all those things again. I need my space to live in this world. I want to be alone. I want to cry more. I wanna look into my glistening eyes. I want to listen to your voice. I want to get more hurt. I want to quit.


I think I need a break. A break from everything. A break from us. A break from we. A break from love. A break from hatredness. A break from friendship. A break from euphoria. A break from agony. A break from fun. A break from dullness. A break from truth. A break from lie. A break from you. A break from me. A break to forget you. A break to forgive you. A break to forgive myself. A break to find myself. A break to explore myself. A break to know myself. A break to understand myself. A break to buoy up myself. A break to feel rejuvenation. A break to approach life pragmatically. A break to live the life in a way it should be, rather than the way I wanted to.


I hope when I wake up tomorrow, everything will be fine and all old memories will be dead. I wish I may start a new fresh and refreshing life from tomorrow, a life completely different than that I am living, a life where I am the only protagonist, every thought concentrated only on myself, a life full of positive energy and enthusiasm, leaving every bad memory behind as a tough lesson for me. I wish I will forget my past which is nothing but gale of emotions torturing my soul.



PS: I am inactive nowadays on social network like orkut, gtalk and facebook. Don’t try to contact me through it. If your calls and messages are not entertained, please don’t mind.


PS: Adieu