Dear 2011, you were a wonderful and a very remarkable year
in my life. You brought everything in my life that I dreamt of in the beginning
of this year. As said in my previous New Year blog post, it was supposed to be a
very crucial year in my life. And so it was. I had my internship, my CAT exam
and placements in this year. And thank to the almighty God that all ended in
good. I got a foreign internship in Bangkok, hopefully going to score good in
CAT exam and got placed in first phase of placement. Hence all well that ends
well.
It was also very remarkable year for many other reasons.
India won its 2nd Cricket World Cup, Sachin scored his 99th
ton (though I was expecting him to complete the century of centuries), Osama Bin
Laden got killed, Anna’s campaign against corruption and a lot of other
remarkable things. It is a year that I will carry with me for the rest of my
life. This whole year I managed to remain single. So no headache of serious commitments.
Apparently I also got ditched from my pseudo GF on the very last day of this
year, that too on a message which said “Sahil Saini…itz d last day f year…n I want to end everything
here….tatzz oll I hv to say…I dnt hv ny xplainatns fr dz…so goodbye…m srry cz I
hv hurted u bt I cnt b wid u…..oll I want to start a new beginning frm tommrw…hate
me or love me… it doesn’t matter…hv a nyc lyf ahead.. gud luck fr d future…take
care…”
Anyways I moved on in less than an hour. Not that I wanted
to but I had to. Afterall she herself said that she thought me as a fucking
matured. Didn’t she?
Anyways 2011 is gone and it’s time to look forward for
another even year. I already had a great
start by taking a week off from college and coming home on very first day of
this year. So much in mind for this year already. Not much resolutions but
gonna read and write a lot. Keep your fingers crossed and hope for the best.
Who knows I might come up with a novel this year?
PS: This poem was written by a girl for me about 18 months back. I just happen to find it in my starred mail box. So I decided to publish it online for the sake of remembering those old good days.
As you set out for Ithaka
hope the journey is a long one,
full of adventure, full of discovery.
Laistrygonians and Cyclops,
angry Poseidon – don’t be afraid of them:
you’ll never find things like that on your way
as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,
as long as a rare excitement
stirs your spirit and your body.
Laistrygonians and Cyclops,
wild Poseidon – you won’t encounter them
unless you bring them along inside your soul,
unless your soul sets them up in front of you.
Hope the voyage is a long one,
may there be many a summer morning when,
with what pleasure, what joy,
you come into harbours seen for the first time;
may you stop at Phoenician trading stations
to buy fine things,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
sensual perfume of every kind –
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
and may you visit many Egyptian cities
to gather stores of knowledge from their scholars.
Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you are destined for.
But do not hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you are old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.
Ithaka gave you the marvelous journey,
without her you would not have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.
And if you find her poor, Ithaka won’t have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you will have understood by then what these Ithakas mean.
PS: One of the best poem I came across on Career Launcher website.
Finally I agree with you that I have stop writing lately.
And it was for the first time that I gave myself a break in blogging, intentionally.
There was a purpose behind it.
First, I wanted to know whether I could live without writing
or not. Answer is obviously NO which is the only reason why I have started it
again, hopefully.
Second, I didn’t want to start writing again, I mean at this
point of time when I am only 5 days away from my end sem examinations. I mean I
had thought that I would start writing again from mid May when I would be
interning somewhere. Obviously then I would have lot of spare time to kill. But
today I couldn’t resist more. I mean lot of things can happen in few days and
it did. There are so many things which I wanna fill your heads with right now.
If I would start speaking god knows when I would stop. A lot of good as well as
bad things happen with me in the beginning of this year and my mind still have those
memories afresh. I so wanted to tell you all. Plus I also wrote many offline
blogs, things which I write unofficially and never publish out of pride, shame
or whatever. I so wanted to publish all those or atleast show them to my very close
friends. I hope you could even see the frustration in this very post. I have
written so many things on so many topics but I didn’t publish for a purpose.
There are so many persons to whom I wanna say sorry, so many
persons to whom I wanna say thanks and so many for vengeance. In this time I
have realized who my true friends are, whom should I rely upon in what
situation and with whom and when can I share my things that are hard to digest
by my little belly. Furthermore I regret for trusting few people more than they
could be and I obviously got hurt. I also fell in love and this time I swear it
is true (what are you looking at? Don’t give me how-could-you look. It’s only
you dumbo. You will never know it and I will never say it and the worst part is that you could never possibly imagine it!). I almost broke
down 10 times for different people and for different reasons. I also met few
special persons in my life. I did some good things in good company and also
some bad things in bad company of good people. I did bad things, I regretted it
and did it again.
To sum up this time was vey awesome and prudent for me. I
learnt so many things and I have become more mature but emotionally weak in
this period. I have absorbed more things than I ever had since my childhood in
my heart and I am still absorbing it. Things which are all lying there infront
of you to see but never enough to gather that attention of yours. Things which
you will only understand when I write. Or may not even then?Things
which come from my stomach to my mouth but never come out from my mouth. Things
which I want you to understand before I tell you myself. Things which I
will never say and you will never bother to ask!
PS: I am writing this with respect to few initial reactions of the readers of this post. Please don't think this post as a love one. This post is not revolving around love or other crap. This is revolving around much bigger and important concerns in my life. And please !! I am not commited at all. Can't anyone be in love without staying out from commitment. Furthermore love isn't always what you think. It can have different dimensions. Isn't?
PS: This post is not written for a single person or aimed to hit that someone special in my life. This post is written for all and aims equally at all those people who know me. I hope you would put yourself in that shoe for a moment and feel my words.
Should I seriously go to meet this girl? But the place is too far. I don’t wanna travel so much. But what if she felt bad about it? What if she broke up with me if I don’t go? If these are the types of questions which come to your mind often while you got a date with a girl in long distance relationship, then follow this dating formula to decide whether you should go or not.
If the time wasted in going to some place to meet her plus the time taken to come back from it is less than or equal to the time spent with her, then and only then it is wise(advisable) to go meet the girl. But if during the travelling (going and coming) time she is with you, then that time shifts to the other side and the inequality still holds good.
If you are staying at some place and spending the night together, the time spend while you both are asleep (chances are rare though [;-)]), that time doesn’t counts. If only one is asleep then only half of that much time counts.
So if time for travelling is X.
Time spent with her is Y.
Hence, by formula, go only if
X<=Y *
* only applicable when you have sufficient money with you to spend on the date.
Tomorrow morning as we all wake up in our bed, we are
neither here to remember the immense beautiful moments of just went 365
beautiful glorious days, nor we are here to mourn the days which we want to
revert back deep somewhere into our hearts. Life is all about moving on, and
all of us will move on burying this year too along with the previous ones deep
inside our hearts, only to revive those moments at some time. No matter whether
this year was great for you or was very painful, it will be forgotten and will
be faded in the history pages.
Resolutions – I know no one fulfills any but still it gives
me a sigh to finally have some.
I am not going to waste even a second in this year. Keeping
yourself busy keeps your mind from all the creepy idle thoughts and helps all
your work done in time and with great efficiency.
This year is going to be the most important and my full
career will be decided in this year. I have my intern and placement and cat
exam in this year.
I will read a lot in this year. It has been correctly said
that books are our best friends. Plus reading them really benefits us a lot.
I will write a lot. I am going to do some serious blogging,
apart from love and emotional crap.
After midnight
A thought : Time flows at a miraculous speed. Isn’t it?
Today is a special day. Why wouldn’t it be? It is the first
day of the year 2011.
It is the day of hope and inspiration for a lot of people
who had decided to do a lot of good things in this year. It is the day to make
a lot of resolutions and act upon them, to wish and hug your dear ones, the day
when you can finally stop moaning over your previous days and can start your
life from a new end. While many of us had a splendid bash of this New Year at
the midnight, I was just lying in my bed ready to sleep while the clock ticked
12.
In retrospect: the year 2010
My greatest regret for this year was that I didn’t click
many photos. So this year I am going to click lot of photos as memoirs.
I have learnt that many of the wrong decisions related to my
emotional life have been taken by me by waking up till late in the night when I
really have nothing to do. So I would keep myself busy during such weak and
soft hours of the day.
Never fall for or get serious for any girl. Not because this
is not the right age to fall in true love but also because you will lose all
fun plus it will jeopardize your career. Never propose a girl in your life,
atleast not now. Start using the word “like” more than the word “love”. Believe
me it changes everything for good. Don’t ever try to define your relation with
any girl, either. Some things are best going when allowed them to go the way it
is. Let the time decide the course of your relation.
Your time will pass very quickly like this year. Manage your
life accordingly.
Don’t eat too much of junk. It spoils your health.
Life is beautiful. Enjoy each and every moment of it. These
are really the best days of my life.
Well overall the year 2010 was wonderful. I mean seriously!
Whatever happened in this year, good or bad, I learnt a lot from it. I had
experienced hellnuma new and different things in this year. Plus I guess my
thought process has gone a drastic reversal, in a good manner. Now I see
everything-(say it life, friends, love, my career, love, anything) with a
different perspective. A real sense of maturity have come into me. I am no
longer a misanthrope and above all I have started to love myself, once again!
As I entered the year 2011, and looked back all what comes
to my mind is what a wonderful year 2010 was!
I hope that this year brings in your life everything you
ever wished. I hope this year will bring the prosperity to mankind. I hope that
this year will bring smile on the millions of sad faces of this country. I hope
this year make earth a better place to live on. I hope when I wake up tomorrow
sun is as bright as it had been in my dreams. I hope.
I wish you all a very happy and prosperous new year 2011.
Often the world accuses me of being very immature towards my
feelings towards girls and my so called well wishers, though very rare in
number, laughs at me, throwing rebukes and sarcastic comments about my getting
senti for a girl from week after week, months after month and year after year.
Yesterday, after screwing all my exams, when I was quietly
lying in my bed after a supper, I happened to look upon all my relationships,
and came to the conclusion that setting aside all the daily crushes, weekly infatuations
and monthly false feelings of falling in love with “n” number of gals, I had
been in a relationship with 3 girls. Here is the summary of all my three
relationships and my honest and pragmatic views about them.
Just got into prestigious IITs, entered college for the first
time and being friendly with girls for the first time in my life, all these
things dissolved me in an unfair world of love. And that’s how and when it all
started.
The girl “a”
The first love, the ecstasy, lot of hopes and fantasies in
the air. Ahh!! Yeah, in the starting the
moment I talked to her I feel rejoiced and satisfied. Whole day I spent
thinking about her and the day passes with the blink of an eye with all the
sweet messages that we shared, even when our lectures were going on. I became
completely absorbed in her for quite a few days before the break up happened.
It has been a couple of years since the relationship has
fallen behind and lost somewhere in the book of my life. I was a jackass to
have proposed her knowing she was already committed, but she was more stupid to
have said a yes after she broke up with him. Well the relationship doesn’t last
long and I don’t know why but she broke up, and then suddenly everything
stopped and the kingdom of my love started falling. No chatting, no phone calls.
But there were many advantages of this relationship to me. She taught me the
initials of love. She taught me everything life a mom teaches to their new born
babies. She broke the virginity of my soul and emotions and since then
everything came out of my shyness.
We stopped talking after the break up but 14 months later we
again become friends, just on net. There are many interesting things about A,
which I wanna share with you all, but unfortunately can’t disclose here on my
post.
The girl “r”
Moving on after my first break up in my life wasn’t easy.
Though now I laugh at my relation with “a” knowing how stupid and childish it
was. That was the point when I found r to comfort my life with emotions. Yet it
was nothing but a compromise to me for recovering, only that I didn’t know this
at that time. This relationship has faded in my history pages just like my
feelings for her faded slowly with time and I realized that I couldn’t be in
this relation anymore. But I could only blame myself since I was the desperate
who started all the frontline and I was the stupid who decided to quit. I don’t
think about her much, but I just hope she’s fine.
The girl “S”
Till now neither of the two girls had given me the 100%
feeling of loving and being loved backed equally and that was the reason I lost
faith in this word and had fully decided never to enter again this kind of
shit. At that point S came into my life. Yes S means sweet. S means sober. S
means simple. S means social. And yes S means she…..
Initially we became very good friends and then numerous
daily phone calls and long hourly chatting with a lot of flirting. Slowly we
came so close to each other that we both knew that we are in love, though I
don’t remember when, how and why this friendship converted into love. But it
was a different feeling from my past 2 relations, for sure. I had carved and
enjoyed each and every moment of life of our future with her. I laughed with
her and I cried with her. The extent to which she cared for me is impossible to
describe in words. We have shared each and every moment of our life. With her I
felt so complete and associated with her are some of the finest memories of my
life which can never be faded. The love grew so intense that we couldn’t be
away from each other for long. Our love converted into possessiveness which
eventually became the reason of our breakup. The break up was very hard from
both the sides and it took me ages to move on. The mysterious break raised a
thousand questions as what actually happened. The experience was a lot tragic
but there are its positive impacts too. She taught me the real meaning of love
and how to love a girl with full passion and give her my 100%. She completely
transformed me and changed my life and my perspectives towards love. Not often,
but I still recollect the infinite good memories associated with her which
leaves a smile on my face.
Well, truly speaking, till date she’s the only girl in my
life whom I loved truly and sincerely. I was really serious and crazy about
her. Till today, I have never found a girl like S who can love me more than
herself. If given a chance, I would love to have S back, given she’s same as
she was.
Still today, I try to figure out often, thinking on the
consequences and repercussions, the course of life that followed me after a, r
and S.
There are some times in your life, when you feel like quitting. I am not writing this post without any reason but to tell you that this week was one of such worst time when I was hurt badly by few people in my life who left me feeling betrayed and left me their everlasting footprints on me. I am left wondering with a strange feeling that how people can change so easily. I have shed much of my tears in this week than I ever had in my life. After so many years, I cried freely and openly in my locked room thinking about them. My mind has stopped working and heart has been hurt badly and I have become insomniac. I am chastised for my mistakes which I did unknowingly and unintentionally. It has increased my mistrust towards people and attitude towards life and only helped me become more of a misanthrope, and left me with a feeling that I do hate myself, though sometimes I am unable to accept it. Nothing is going fine and every misunderstanding with people is just taking its worst sharp corner.
I feel like quitting. I feel like crying more and more. I feel like leaving this world. I feel like killing someone. I feel like hugging someone. I feel like... oh! To hell with what I feel. My feelings are surely a submissive slut and my tears are its most prized customer. So fuck you all who have hurt me.
I need time. I need you. I wish to go to past and make things right. I wish I get another chance to do all those things again. I need my space to live in this world. I want to be alone. I want to cry more. I wanna look into my glistening eyes. I want to listen to your voice. I want to get more hurt. I want to quit.
I think I need a break. A break from everything. A break from us. A break from we. A break from love. A break from hatredness. A break from friendship. A break from euphoria. A break from agony. A break from fun. A break from dullness. A break from truth. A break from lie. A break from you. A break from me. A break to forget you. A break to forgive you. A break to forgive myself. A break to find myself. A break to explore myself. A break to know myself. A break to understand myself. A break to buoy up myself. A break to feel rejuvenation. A break to approach life pragmatically. A break to live the life in a way it should be, rather than the way I wanted to.
I hope when I wake up tomorrow, everything will be fine and all old memories will be dead. I wish I may start a new fresh and refreshing life from tomorrow, a life completely different than that I am living, a life where I am the only protagonist, every thought concentrated only on myself, a life full of positive energy and enthusiasm, leaving every bad memory behind as a tough lesson for me. I wish I will forget my past which is nothing but gale of emotions torturing my soul.
PS: I am inactive nowadays on social network like orkut, gtalk and facebook. Don’t try to contact me through it. If your calls and messages are not entertained, please don’t mind.
