A year and a
half has passed since I have cleared the most reputated exam of India. Now
after seeing much, though not complete of this world things have changed a lot
and that change is not automatic and not something that I am loving. I am used
to it or in better words addicted to these like the bad habits. Or are these
really bad habits?? Things were different when I was in my home with my family.
I can’t even say that not being with my family has changed me a lot as I didn’t
even change slightly in a complete year away from them in kota where I had
worst time of my life. There in Kota was only one lifeline, my dreams about
clearing jee which kept me unchanged since so long. I never even wondered about
my unchanged nature, physically, socially and mentally before but nowadays I am
astonished or rather say puzzled about my unbelievable “no change” there and I
am founding it impossible somehow. Maybe it is because nowadays things are very
different, scary and easy “to change” or because I have changed in the worst
possible way.
I know it is
very hard for you to think about a single thing I am talking about. But I am
restrained. Restrained to write everything here, especially personal and so I can’t
go straight. My dreams till 2008 were special and I always had true optimistic
feelings towards them and always had proved myself. Maybe things were easy
then. Standing among the best brains of India isn’t that easy and the best
thing was my dreams never fluctuated. I never had second thought about my
dreams.
But now,
when I look at my condition, I found myself pathetic and alone. Now I am afraid
of dreaming. I never wanted to be like this but still I am loving it. I am
loving this change except something within me that is surprised by this change
and that something is not only something to me. It has become everything.
Confused?? Me too and that’s mah problem. Now i have multiple contradictory
dreams which can’t be fulfilled hitherto m given many lives in my single human life.
Whenever my solid mechanics proff taught me structural engineer or take
building construction proff, teaching me estimation showing different different
models with great enthusiasm, I dreamt myself in some big city of US as a head
of some big building project. I felt so proud of becoming a civil engineer in
future and that too from IITR. But the moment any programming book caught my
sight, it makes me recall my dream of becoming a great programmer and hacker,
working in Microsoft or Google. I have a strong desire to clear cat and study
in IIMs. But at the same time I can’t even deny my dream to have my MS degree
from some reputed foreign university after scoring high in GRE. But this is not
the limit of my thoughts. I even sometimes think of going for IAS examination.
Infact that is the most respectful field that an IITian can go for. In my every
dream I find myself still every dream has a flaw and this stops me every time I
think of it and the only flaw in any dream is other dream being superior that
it only in some way. I wanna grab all. I wanna do the impossible. Truly I have
changed a lot. I can’t even fix my dream. Then how they can possibly be true
ever. Or maybe I am finding a reason not to choose any as I am fed up of my
dreams or maybe I have started doubting on myself. And sometime I do feel that
this is true. Why I have started feeling so weak and alone here? All I am
becoming is someone which I never wanted to be, someone I never dreamt of. Life
in 3rd semester has brought in me the drastic changes I never
expected of. Why life always play such cheap games with me?? All I can do now
is pray to god to give me the power of facing these challenges in my life, no
matter how difficult these challenges are to me, I must be strong enough to
walk on this path, whatever comes in my way, I must be confident of my
principles and must not let my morale down.
