WHAT IF ??

Have you ever lost yourself? Yes? Ever found yourself then? Does it puts a smile across your face, all that pain... and if you like that saline taste of your own blood read on...even if you don't I know you'll read !

Hi. I am Sahil, presently in Noida attending the PANIIT-2010 conference. And right now I am drinking, 4 pegs of Scotch inside me and 2 more waiting to be gulped by me in next 20 minutes and then I will be floating in the air. I know with each drop of it my life is getting shorter and shorter. Each drop is entering into my blood changing its composition and making it more alcoholic. This blood is being transferred in my whole body and finally to brain. My eyes are closing and I am falling. To me, it seems, the whole world is falling and the whole world seems so miniscule and insignificant to me. The people seem to be revolving all around me. They have familiar faces and yes I know few of them (though the dog nearby seems to be more known to me and yes I can talk to him). They are trying to hold me close and they don’t want me to drink more because they say I can’t control more. There are other people too, who also boasts a lot that they don’t drink, but now are quietly smiling and watching me as If I am the host of some freak show. And there are some voices. Wait! Let me listen …………. (Sorry I can’t hear you anymore, you don’t exist for next 4 hours, so you better be quite). And that’s the point where I started existing and my thought process started.

I keep on drinking it without a hint of guilt as it helps me in dealing with the truth. Truth? Truth, I know it, that I am insignificant to this universe and one day I will be eradicated from this planet and it won’t even make a penny-difference to the universe. I mean I may write good blogs, I may love a girl more than anyone can but so what? Like the dinosaurs and Shakespeare one day I will too be gone. Even the Microsoft windows and Google will be gone too. Then what? Forget about me, even the eradication of this planet won’t make any difference to the universe.

You know I had dreams like all of you. I had always dreamt of ending up at a big goddamn fucking job which would pay me enough for everything and ending up as millionaire. I also had dreamt of marrying a hottie which is obviously too much for me, residing in a big city like New York and hence living happily ever after, which seems like a perfect ending.  But now it fucking pinches me since I have realized that I am decaying and deteriorating each second and knowing that I am no more than a rotten egg.

There was a time when I used to think what is right and what is wrong. But seriously do you think what is right is actually right and what is wrong is actually wrong? I mean seriously…  do you ever think? I mean what is right is actually right and what is wrong is actually wrong? Really?

But what if they are wrong as they were about the earth being flat?

What if they are all fools who entertain themselves everyday?

What if it all started wrong right from the beginning?

What if black is actually better than white?

What if pain is the real happiness and happiness is the real pain?

Is it right to kill people? Is it right to abuse god? Does god really exist? What if it does? And what if it doesn’t?

What if drinking is actually better for your health as the worst thing it can do to you is “just kill” you… I mean… seriously… do you ever think?.... (vomit…vomit)… damn !!!

I like this thing inside me…  yeah ! Anyways who cares?

PS: PANIIT 2010 was fucking awesome, especially the free food and drinks. ;-) Though I do feel guilty for the night. Shollleyyy.

PS: I am not mad. I am just drunk with emotions all the time.

PS: Happy Diwali in advance.

PS: Goodbye.