Dear 2011, you were a wonderful and a very remarkable year
in my life. You brought everything in my life that I dreamt of in the beginning
of this year. As said in my previous New Year blog post, it was supposed to be a
very crucial year in my life. And so it was. I had my internship, my CAT exam
and placements in this year. And thank to the almighty God that all ended in
good. I got a foreign internship in Bangkok, hopefully going to score good in
CAT exam and got placed in first phase of placement. Hence all well that ends
well.
It was also very remarkable year for many other reasons.
India won its 2nd Cricket World Cup, Sachin scored his 99th
ton (though I was expecting him to complete the century of centuries), Osama Bin
Laden got killed, Anna’s campaign against corruption and a lot of other
remarkable things. It is a year that I will carry with me for the rest of my
life. This whole year I managed to remain single. So no headache of serious commitments.
Apparently I also got ditched from my pseudo GF on the very last day of this
year, that too on a message which said “Sahil Saini…itz d last day f year…n I want to end everything
here….tatzz oll I hv to say…I dnt hv ny xplainatns fr dz…so goodbye…m srry cz I
hv hurted u bt I cnt b wid u…..oll I want to start a new beginning frm tommrw…hate
me or love me… it doesn’t matter…hv a nyc lyf ahead.. gud luck fr d future…take
care…”
Anyways I moved on in less than an hour. Not that I wanted
to but I had to. Afterall she herself said that she thought me as a fucking
matured. Didn’t she?
Anyways 2011 is gone and it’s time to look forward for
another even year. I already had a great
start by taking a week off from college and coming home on very first day of
this year. So much in mind for this year already. Not much resolutions but
gonna read and write a lot. Keep your fingers crossed and hope for the best.
Who knows I might come up with a novel this year?
PS: This poem was written by a girl for me about 18 months back. I just happen to find it in my starred mail box. So I decided to publish it online for the sake of remembering those old good days.
Finally I agree with you that I have stop writing lately.
And it was for the first time that I gave myself a break in blogging, intentionally.
There was a purpose behind it.
First, I wanted to know whether I could live without writing
or not. Answer is obviously NO which is the only reason why I have started it
again, hopefully.
Second, I didn’t want to start writing again, I mean at this
point of time when I am only 5 days away from my end sem examinations. I mean I
had thought that I would start writing again from mid May when I would be
interning somewhere. Obviously then I would have lot of spare time to kill. But
today I couldn’t resist more. I mean lot of things can happen in few days and
it did. There are so many things which I wanna fill your heads with right now.
If I would start speaking god knows when I would stop. A lot of good as well as
bad things happen with me in the beginning of this year and my mind still have those
memories afresh. I so wanted to tell you all. Plus I also wrote many offline
blogs, things which I write unofficially and never publish out of pride, shame
or whatever. I so wanted to publish all those or atleast show them to my very close
friends. I hope you could even see the frustration in this very post. I have
written so many things on so many topics but I didn’t publish for a purpose.
There are so many persons to whom I wanna say sorry, so many
persons to whom I wanna say thanks and so many for vengeance. In this time I
have realized who my true friends are, whom should I rely upon in what
situation and with whom and when can I share my things that are hard to digest
by my little belly. Furthermore I regret for trusting few people more than they
could be and I obviously got hurt. I also fell in love and this time I swear it
is true (what are you looking at? Don’t give me how-could-you look. It’s only
you dumbo. You will never know it and I will never say it and the worst part is that you could never possibly imagine it!). I almost broke
down 10 times for different people and for different reasons. I also met few
special persons in my life. I did some good things in good company and also
some bad things in bad company of good people. I did bad things, I regretted it
and did it again.
To sum up this time was vey awesome and prudent for me. I
learnt so many things and I have become more mature but emotionally weak in
this period. I have absorbed more things than I ever had since my childhood in
my heart and I am still absorbing it. Things which are all lying there infront
of you to see but never enough to gather that attention of yours. Things which
you will only understand when I write. Or may not even then?Things
which come from my stomach to my mouth but never come out from my mouth. Things
which I want you to understand before I tell you myself. Things which I
will never say and you will never bother to ask!
PS: I am writing this with respect to few initial reactions of the readers of this post. Please don't think this post as a love one. This post is not revolving around love or other crap. This is revolving around much bigger and important concerns in my life. And please !! I am not commited at all. Can't anyone be in love without staying out from commitment. Furthermore love isn't always what you think. It can have different dimensions. Isn't?
PS: This post is not written for a single person or aimed to hit that someone special in my life. This post is written for all and aims equally at all those people who know me. I hope you would put yourself in that shoe for a moment and feel my words.
Should I seriously go to meet this girl? But the place is too far. I don’t wanna travel so much. But what if she felt bad about it? What if she broke up with me if I don’t go? If these are the types of questions which come to your mind often while you got a date with a girl in long distance relationship, then follow this dating formula to decide whether you should go or not.
If the time wasted in going to some place to meet her plus the time taken to come back from it is less than or equal to the time spent with her, then and only then it is wise(advisable) to go meet the girl. But if during the travelling (going and coming) time she is with you, then that time shifts to the other side and the inequality still holds good.
If you are staying at some place and spending the night together, the time spend while you both are asleep (chances are rare though [;-)]), that time doesn’t counts. If only one is asleep then only half of that much time counts.
So if time for travelling is X.
Time spent with her is Y.
Hence, by formula, go only if
X<=Y *
* only applicable when you have sufficient money with you to spend on the date.
Tomorrow morning as we all wake up in our bed, we are
neither here to remember the immense beautiful moments of just went 365
beautiful glorious days, nor we are here to mourn the days which we want to
revert back deep somewhere into our hearts. Life is all about moving on, and
all of us will move on burying this year too along with the previous ones deep
inside our hearts, only to revive those moments at some time. No matter whether
this year was great for you or was very painful, it will be forgotten and will
be faded in the history pages.
Resolutions – I know no one fulfills any but still it gives
me a sigh to finally have some.
I am not going to waste even a second in this year. Keeping
yourself busy keeps your mind from all the creepy idle thoughts and helps all
your work done in time and with great efficiency.
This year is going to be the most important and my full
career will be decided in this year. I have my intern and placement and cat
exam in this year.
I will read a lot in this year. It has been correctly said
that books are our best friends. Plus reading them really benefits us a lot.
I will write a lot. I am going to do some serious blogging,
apart from love and emotional crap.
After midnight
A thought : Time flows at a miraculous speed. Isn’t it?
Today is a special day. Why wouldn’t it be? It is the first
day of the year 2011.
It is the day of hope and inspiration for a lot of people
who had decided to do a lot of good things in this year. It is the day to make
a lot of resolutions and act upon them, to wish and hug your dear ones, the day
when you can finally stop moaning over your previous days and can start your
life from a new end. While many of us had a splendid bash of this New Year at
the midnight, I was just lying in my bed ready to sleep while the clock ticked
12.
In retrospect: the year 2010
My greatest regret for this year was that I didn’t click
many photos. So this year I am going to click lot of photos as memoirs.
I have learnt that many of the wrong decisions related to my
emotional life have been taken by me by waking up till late in the night when I
really have nothing to do. So I would keep myself busy during such weak and
soft hours of the day.
Never fall for or get serious for any girl. Not because this
is not the right age to fall in true love but also because you will lose all
fun plus it will jeopardize your career. Never propose a girl in your life,
atleast not now. Start using the word “like” more than the word “love”. Believe
me it changes everything for good. Don’t ever try to define your relation with
any girl, either. Some things are best going when allowed them to go the way it
is. Let the time decide the course of your relation.
Your time will pass very quickly like this year. Manage your
life accordingly.
Don’t eat too much of junk. It spoils your health.
Life is beautiful. Enjoy each and every moment of it. These
are really the best days of my life.
Well overall the year 2010 was wonderful. I mean seriously!
Whatever happened in this year, good or bad, I learnt a lot from it. I had
experienced hellnuma new and different things in this year. Plus I guess my
thought process has gone a drastic reversal, in a good manner. Now I see
everything-(say it life, friends, love, my career, love, anything) with a
different perspective. A real sense of maturity have come into me. I am no
longer a misanthrope and above all I have started to love myself, once again!
As I entered the year 2011, and looked back all what comes
to my mind is what a wonderful year 2010 was!
I hope that this year brings in your life everything you
ever wished. I hope this year will bring the prosperity to mankind. I hope that
this year will bring smile on the millions of sad faces of this country. I hope
this year make earth a better place to live on. I hope when I wake up tomorrow
sun is as bright as it had been in my dreams. I hope.
I wish you all a very happy and prosperous new year 2011.
Often the world accuses me of being very immature towards my
feelings towards girls and my so called well wishers, though very rare in
number, laughs at me, throwing rebukes and sarcastic comments about my getting
senti for a girl from week after week, months after month and year after year.
Yesterday, after screwing all my exams, when I was quietly
lying in my bed after a supper, I happened to look upon all my relationships,
and came to the conclusion that setting aside all the daily crushes, weekly infatuations
and monthly false feelings of falling in love with “n” number of gals, I had
been in a relationship with 3 girls. Here is the summary of all my three
relationships and my honest and pragmatic views about them.
Just got into prestigious IITs, entered college for the first
time and being friendly with girls for the first time in my life, all these
things dissolved me in an unfair world of love. And that’s how and when it all
started.
The girl “a”
The first love, the ecstasy, lot of hopes and fantasies in
the air. Ahh!! Yeah, in the starting the
moment I talked to her I feel rejoiced and satisfied. Whole day I spent
thinking about her and the day passes with the blink of an eye with all the
sweet messages that we shared, even when our lectures were going on. I became
completely absorbed in her for quite a few days before the break up happened.
It has been a couple of years since the relationship has
fallen behind and lost somewhere in the book of my life. I was a jackass to
have proposed her knowing she was already committed, but she was more stupid to
have said a yes after she broke up with him. Well the relationship doesn’t last
long and I don’t know why but she broke up, and then suddenly everything
stopped and the kingdom of my love started falling. No chatting, no phone calls.
But there were many advantages of this relationship to me. She taught me the
initials of love. She taught me everything life a mom teaches to their new born
babies. She broke the virginity of my soul and emotions and since then
everything came out of my shyness.
We stopped talking after the break up but 14 months later we
again become friends, just on net. There are many interesting things about A,
which I wanna share with you all, but unfortunately can’t disclose here on my
post.
The girl “r”
Moving on after my first break up in my life wasn’t easy.
Though now I laugh at my relation with “a” knowing how stupid and childish it
was. That was the point when I found r to comfort my life with emotions. Yet it
was nothing but a compromise to me for recovering, only that I didn’t know this
at that time. This relationship has faded in my history pages just like my
feelings for her faded slowly with time and I realized that I couldn’t be in
this relation anymore. But I could only blame myself since I was the desperate
who started all the frontline and I was the stupid who decided to quit. I don’t
think about her much, but I just hope she’s fine.
The girl “S”
Till now neither of the two girls had given me the 100%
feeling of loving and being loved backed equally and that was the reason I lost
faith in this word and had fully decided never to enter again this kind of
shit. At that point S came into my life. Yes S means sweet. S means sober. S
means simple. S means social. And yes S means she…..
Initially we became very good friends and then numerous
daily phone calls and long hourly chatting with a lot of flirting. Slowly we
came so close to each other that we both knew that we are in love, though I
don’t remember when, how and why this friendship converted into love. But it
was a different feeling from my past 2 relations, for sure. I had carved and
enjoyed each and every moment of life of our future with her. I laughed with
her and I cried with her. The extent to which she cared for me is impossible to
describe in words. We have shared each and every moment of our life. With her I
felt so complete and associated with her are some of the finest memories of my
life which can never be faded. The love grew so intense that we couldn’t be
away from each other for long. Our love converted into possessiveness which
eventually became the reason of our breakup. The break up was very hard from
both the sides and it took me ages to move on. The mysterious break raised a
thousand questions as what actually happened. The experience was a lot tragic
but there are its positive impacts too. She taught me the real meaning of love
and how to love a girl with full passion and give her my 100%. She completely
transformed me and changed my life and my perspectives towards love. Not often,
but I still recollect the infinite good memories associated with her which
leaves a smile on my face.
Well, truly speaking, till date she’s the only girl in my
life whom I loved truly and sincerely. I was really serious and crazy about
her. Till today, I have never found a girl like S who can love me more than
herself. If given a chance, I would love to have S back, given she’s same as
she was.
Still today, I try to figure out often, thinking on the
consequences and repercussions, the course of life that followed me after a, r
and S.
Have you ever lost yourself? Yes? Ever found yourself then? Does
it puts a smile across your face, all that pain... and if you like that saline
taste of your own blood read on...even if you don't I know you'll read !
Hi. I am Sahil, presently in Noida attending the PANIIT-2010
conference. And right now I am drinking, 4 pegs of Scotch inside me and 2 more
waiting to be gulped by me in next 20 minutes and then I will be floating in
the air. I know with each drop of it my life is getting shorter and shorter.
Each drop is entering into my blood changing its composition and making it more
alcoholic. This blood is being transferred in my whole body and finally to brain.
My eyes are closing and I am falling. To me, it seems, the whole world is
falling and the whole world seems so miniscule and insignificant to me. The
people seem to be revolving all around me. They have familiar faces and yes I
know few of them (though the dog nearby seems to be more known to me and yes I
can talk to him). They are trying to hold me close and they don’t want me to
drink more because they say I can’t control more. There are other people too,
who also boasts a lot that they don’t drink, but now are quietly smiling and
watching me as If I am the host of some freak show. And there are some voices.
Wait! Let me listen …………. (Sorry I can’t hear you anymore, you don’t exist for
next 4 hours, so you better be quite). And that’s the point where I started
existing and my thought process started.
I keep on drinking it without a hint of guilt as it helps me
in dealing with the truth. Truth? Truth, I know it, that I am insignificant to
this universe and one day I will be eradicated from this planet and it won’t
even make a penny-difference to the universe. I mean I may write good blogs, I
may love a girl more than anyone can but so what? Like the dinosaurs and
Shakespeare one day I will too be gone. Even the Microsoft windows and Google
will be gone too. Then what? Forget about me, even the eradication of this
planet won’t make any difference to the universe.
You know I had dreams like all of you. I had always dreamt
of ending up at a big goddamn fucking job which would pay me enough for
everything and ending up as millionaire. I also had dreamt of marrying a hottie
which is obviously too much for me, residing in a big city like New York and
hence living happily ever after, which seems like a perfect ending. But now it fucking pinches me since I have
realized that I am decaying and deteriorating each second and knowing that I am
no more than a rotten egg.
There was a time when I used to think what is right and what
is wrong. But seriously do you think what is right is actually right and what
is wrong is actually wrong? I mean seriously…
do you ever think? I mean what is right is actually right and what is
wrong is actually wrong? Really?
But what if they are wrong as they were about the earth
being flat?
What if they are all fools who entertain themselves
everyday?
What if it all started wrong right from the beginning?
What if black is actually better than white?
What if pain is the real happiness and happiness is the real
pain?
Is it right to kill people? Is it right to abuse god? Does
god really exist? What if it does? And what if it doesn’t?
What if drinking is actually better for your health as the
worst thing it can do to you is “just kill” you… I mean… seriously… do you ever
think?.... (vomit…vomit)… damn !!!
I like this thing inside me… yeah ! Anyways who cares?
PS:
PANIIT
2010 was fucking awesome, especially the free food and drinks. ;-) Though I do feel guilty for the night. Shollleyyy.
PS: I am not mad. I am just drunk with emotions all the time.
This may be weird but I am getting a feeling as If I have
grown old. There are several things that make me think so.
I no longer take interest in chats and long bakkar sessions.
I no longer shed tears in a romantic movie or while
listening to sentimental music.
I have stopped coming online 24x7. I am not an active member
on social networking sites like orkut and facebook.
I no longer put eye-catching status messages on gtalk.
I am happy with my old nokia 1600 set and don’t ask for a
new phone with QWERTY keypad. I don’t even recharge my phone with a message
card and have stopped replying to stupid “hi! watsup” messages.
My emotions have become more pragmatic and less inclined
towards anyone.
I have become a stoical and nonchalant person who no longer
gets hurt by people’s comments.
I always say to people that “childhood was the best part of
my life”. Doesn’t this clearly show that my childhood is over?
I no longer go to canteen late in the night as I think that canteen
food is insipid and aesthetically unfit.
I can spend 350 bucks for a dominos cheese burst but will
bargain even 5 bucks with a rickshaw tender.
Whenever I see rain I want to go out and dance like a kid but I stop
myself because I don’t wanna take the pain of getting wet and drying myself. Maybe
I am afraid of water. Plus I think that I am too mature for such kind of
nonsense. God! What has happened to me!
I think that I have seen enough of chicks in my life and now
am no longer get attracted or infatuated towards any hot girl. The feeling of falling
in love seems to be buried ages ago. I have stopped building castles of love and
fantasies in air (typical characteristic of a teenager).
I no longer shout at or chuckle with my sister. Neither do I
fight with my parents to fulfill any of my stupid fantasies.
I no longer buy/want to buy the things that I always wanted
to, the things that satisfied my tastes and passions.
I start a novel but never reach beyond 50 pages. I don’t
even watch a full movie at one stretch.
I no longer love to play video/computer games and consider
those as kids who do.
I have started taking bath regularly (What the fuck!).
I know my SWOTs (strength weakness opportunities and
threats).
My hairs have started falling and few have become white.
The number of cosmetics that I use has fallen from 12 to 1.
I have even stopped using facewash and prefer washing my face with soap.
My stubble grows very fast.
I have started valuing people in my life.
I laugh at the things that hurt me once (the best part!).
My views have become very diplomatic, political and
phlegmatic. I am worried and feel very much insecure about my future.
I have learnt sharp riposte for every touché through
experiences.
I love to advise people like their grandfather guiding them
what to do and what not to do. I wish to help people with true heart and
nothing fishy in my mind.
I long for rejuvenation. I desperately do!
They say life begins at 60. But why I am feeling that life should
end at 20? I think I urgently need a change in my life.
PS: Finally I have turned 20 which marked the end of my
teenage.
PS: Thanks Amik, Garima, Neha, Prachi, Ankit and Samarth for
making my birthday special. And yeah the card was so stupefyingly awesome. :)
PS: Today I ride my bicycle after 16 months. It felt very good. I love bicycling.
PS: I have joined CL (Career Launcher) classes for my MBA
preparation.
PS: Nowadays life has become very tough, busy, hectic, miserable
and pathetic. I have to manage many things simultaneously like MBA
preparations, my core studies and reading hellnuma lot of magazines along with
improving my GK and gaining knowledge about business world. I wonder how I will
manage so many things!
This post is dedicated to all my friends whom I met at some point of time and had shared some good memories.
It was 1 in the night and I was lying on my bed trying to
sleep. My cellphone beeped. I picked up the phone and read the message. It was
a message from one of my friends with whom I haven’t been in contact from
months. Probably from a year. It read “when a very sweet and close person goes
too far from us, we may say or not say, but our heart says to their heart: u
made me alone. Gud nyt !! ”
I don’t know whether what the message read was true and she
meant it or it was just a message which you can get anywhere on any site on
internet and people keep on forwarding to their as many friends as in their
list just to utilize the full money of their message pack. But that message has
raised a hellnuma lot of questions in my mind, not just about her, but about all
my friends. For next 30 minutes I wasn’t able to sleep and was became
preoccupied thinking about the time when we were friends. How occasionally we
used to text and ring each other and suddenly. And suddenly all of a sudden
both of us become preoccupied with our own jobs and even since day we didn’t
even bother to contact each other. No calls and no messages. Even no “hi” on
chats. That message reminded me of all my friends since my childhood, my school
friends, my coaching friends, my college friends and other whom I met circumstantially.
I was wondering how all of us drifted away with the flow of time without even knowing where the flow is seperating. I opened my contact list
on my phone and tried reading all my contacts and to wonder there were dozens
of friends whom I haven’t been in contact for months.
Ask from yourself. The people with whom you used to talk,
call, message or chat two years ago, with how many of them you still are in
contact with. Don’t count the number of “yes”. Count the number of those
friends with whom now you are not in contact or perhaps haven’t asked about
their whereabouts. It is obvious with time we make new friends and our friend
circle keeps on increasing. We mix up with our new friends but ofcourse in the
corner of our heart there are the memories with our old good friends which
keeps the feeling of friendship alive. And whenever you introspect those memories it rejuvenates.
I happened to notice all those friends and tried finding the
reason by we haven’t been in contact from months. With some of them I lost
contact after summer vacations. Some of them changed their numbers. Some became
busy in their exams. Some became busy with their job. We got preoccupied with
our new friends that we didn’t wish to contact our old friends and soon lost
the contact. And all of a sudden I wished to talk to all of those friends who
made me feel special at some point of time. I thought of calling all those
friends tomorrow to ask them how are they doing, to tell them I still care.
The next day I called all my friends my school friends, my
coaching friends, everyone whom I can contact. And let me tell you everyone was
surprised why all of a sudden I called them for without any reason. One friend
even messaged me after my call saying “Sahil, you are impossible!”.
Was my act that silly?
I don’t know but I felt a little more
complete after calling them. Yet they responded indifferently,
and they weren’t that open with me as they used to be, but still it felt good. And I was happy for this little feeling called friendship.
PS: Call today all such friends if you haven't think of doing that in months.
There are some times in your life, when you feel like quitting. I am not writing this post without any reason but to tell you that this week was one of such worst time when I was hurt badly by few people in my life who left me feeling betrayed and left me their everlasting footprints on me. I am left wondering with a strange feeling that how people can change so easily. I have shed much of my tears in this week than I ever had in my life. After so many years, I cried freely and openly in my locked room thinking about them. My mind has stopped working and heart has been hurt badly and I have become insomniac. I am chastised for my mistakes which I did unknowingly and unintentionally. It has increased my mistrust towards people and attitude towards life and only helped me become more of a misanthrope, and left me with a feeling that I do hate myself, though sometimes I am unable to accept it. Nothing is going fine and every misunderstanding with people is just taking its worst sharp corner.
I feel like quitting. I feel like crying more and more. I feel like leaving this world. I feel like killing someone. I feel like hugging someone. I feel like... oh! To hell with what I feel. My feelings are surely a submissive slut and my tears are its most prized customer. So fuck you all who have hurt me.
I need time. I need you. I wish to go to past and make things right. I wish I get another chance to do all those things again. I need my space to live in this world. I want to be alone. I want to cry more. I wanna look into my glistening eyes. I want to listen to your voice. I want to get more hurt. I want to quit.
I think I need a break. A break from everything. A break from us. A break from we. A break from love. A break from hatredness. A break from friendship. A break from euphoria. A break from agony. A break from fun. A break from dullness. A break from truth. A break from lie. A break from you. A break from me. A break to forget you. A break to forgive you. A break to forgive myself. A break to find myself. A break to explore myself. A break to know myself. A break to understand myself. A break to buoy up myself. A break to feel rejuvenation. A break to approach life pragmatically. A break to live the life in a way it should be, rather than the way I wanted to.
I hope when I wake up tomorrow, everything will be fine and all old memories will be dead. I wish I may start a new fresh and refreshing life from tomorrow, a life completely different than that I am living, a life where I am the only protagonist, every thought concentrated only on myself, a life full of positive energy and enthusiasm, leaving every bad memory behind as a tough lesson for me. I wish I will forget my past which is nothing but gale of emotions torturing my soul.
PS: I am inactive nowadays on social network like orkut, gtalk and facebook. Don’t try to contact me through it. If your calls and messages are not entertained, please don’t mind.
